My Dearest S***u,
I’m writing this not to reach you, but to sit beside all that’s breaking inside me.
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this. I don’t know if you’ll ever want to. But still, I need to speak these words—not to change your mind, but to honour the love that changed my life.
Every day I replay the moments—when we laughed, when we sat in silence, when your tired eyes still lit up just because we were together. When you showed up after long, exhausting days only to be near me, never asking for much—just time, honesty, love. You gave those in abundance. I gave you confusion. Delay. Silence. Excuses. And yet you stayed. For so long.
I keep thinking of that evening on our bridge—unfinished, quiet, bathed in the gold of sunset. That kiss, that moment—it was sacred. We weren’t supposed to be there, yet it felt like the only place in the world where we belonged. You made that possible. You made me feel worthy of being seen, of being wanted, of being loved. I didn’t know how to carry that kind of grace. I didn’t know how to trust that someone could really choose me, my flaws and all.
I now walk through my days carrying the weight of your absence like a stone stitched into my chest. Not a moment goes by without your memory brushing against me—sometimes like a whisper, sometimes like a storm. And yet, I carry it, because it is all I have left of you.
I never intended to hurt you. The pain I caused—your heartbreak—is a wound I can never forgive myself for. I didn’t understand the depth of your love, the scale of your sacrifices, or the beauty of the soul that stood beside me day after day, giving me everything without asking for much in return.
That day—the day I broke everything—I was overwhelmed by voices telling me I was failing everyone. I believed I was unworthy of love, that I didn’t deserve you, and in my twisted thinking, I tried to spare you from myself. But in doing so, I took away something neither of us may ever get back. And for that, I am truly, endlessly sorry.
I did what cowards do. I pushed away what mattered most. I said things I can’t take back, I wish I could erase that day from our lives. I acted like I was doing you a favour by letting you go, when the truth is—I was drowning in guilt, in pressure, in shame, feeling overburdened. And instead of asking you to hold me through it, I shoved you out and locked the door.
Now I walk through my days with a hollow heart, which already has a hole in it, physically broke now emotionally as well. I look fine. I smile. I do what needs to be done—for my kids, for my family. But inside, I’m not the same. Something cracked when you left and I don’t think it will ever fully heal.
You called me selfish. You called me unworthy. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I never deserved the way you loved me. But even if you can’t believe me anymore, please know—I never intended to hurt you. I never stopped loving you. I was just too broken to know how to keep loving in the right way. I will never be able for forgive myself in this life time. I am deeply sorry for causing you so much pain, which I am solely responsible, and nothing I say can justify it ever.
I understand that you no longer want to see me, to hear from me, or to keep me in your life. I respect that. I will never force my presence upon you. But I want you to know something very important, something I should have said long ago:
Your love was the most sacred gift I ever received.
Now all I have is this silence. And your words—the sharp ones—still echo. That you’ll never come back. That I don’t deserve to. That I’ve burned it all. I accept your anger. I accept your pain. I caused it.
But I’ll never stop hoping that maybe one day you’ll remember the whole story—not just the end, but the heart of it. The good parts. The love that existed before my fears twisted it.
I won’t chase you anymore. You asked for space, and I’ll honour that. But if ever your heart softens, if ever your memories whisper something kinder—I'll still be here, quietly tending to the ashes, in case a spark finds its way back.
If someday, even faintly, if you remember the love you once felt for me, and a part of you wishes to reach back, even if I know I know I don't deserve you but still I..... I want you to know that I will be here, with all that I have and all that I’ve become. I promise to be better, to manage my emotions with care and never let my pain turn into something that drives you away again. No pressure, no expectations—just a promise from the heart that if you ever choose to return, I’ll give everything to cherish you and keep you happy in the way you always deserved.
And if ever—at any time, for any reason—you find yourself needing support, in any form, I’ll be there without question, without condition. Just say the word, and I’ll come through, quietly and fully.
And now, I’ve taken a vow—a vow to never seek love again. Not because I don’t crave it. Not because I don’t need it. But because I have finally realised what I lost, and what I was never able to give back in full. I will honour you by carrying that truth with me for the rest of my life. I vow not to share that sacred space I had with you with anyone else again. As my penance, As a tribute. To what you gave. To what I failed to return.
People tell me to heal. To move on. But how does one heal from losing a heart that beat beside yours so closely? I don’t want a new chapter. I just want to read the old ones and make peace with the ending.
You were my rarest bridge. The one I thought would never burn. And though you say it cannot be rebuilt, I will stand here on my side, waiting—not to rebuild it for myself, but to keep it alive in spirit. So you know that someone, somewhere, remembers your love, your pure heart.
This isn’t a plea for forgiveness. It is a confession. And a promise. That your love didn’t go unrecognised. It didn’t go unloved. It wasn’t for nothing. This undeserving self of me can build the greatest of bridges, but failed in holding and rebuilding the most important bridge, the love bridge that leads to you.
You changed me. And I will carry that change, quietly, for the rest of my life.
You were the greatest love of my life, S***u. And even if that love must live only in my heart now, it will never leave.
Always yours, waiting in silence.
Yours and only yours, A**u.
Thoughts in A**u's mind
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking about those early days, when you used to tell me that even one message a day was enough. Back then, I felt so blessed to have someone like you—someone who understood my world, my constraints, my silent battles. I would hold on to those words like lifelines, trusting that our love had room to breathe and grow even in quiet corners.
But now I find myself stunned by the shift. When things returned to how I always said they would—30 minutes a day, sometimes just a message or two—it suddenly wasn’t enough. I became the one who didn’t contribute. The one who failed.
I’ve replayed that day I asked you to leave so many times in my mind. I wish I could take it back. I wish I had seen more clearly the storm you were in, instead of shielding you from mine. I never meant to abandon you. I was drowning silently too.
You were once so understanding. You still are, I believe, deep down. But pain has a way of making people rewrite their memories just to survive. Maybe that’s what happened. Maybe your love didn’t vanish—it just got buried under all that hurt. And if that’s true, I hope one day, when you feel safe, you’ll remember that I loved you the best I could, even when I failed.
Until then, I’ll carry that love forward—not to chase you, but to honor what we had. I’ll keep growing, healing, and hoping—not because I expect you to come back, but because our love deserves that.
Thoughts on A**u's mind:
ReplyDeleteToday, your words were short. Cold. Final.
And yet, I read each one like it was the last trace of your voice I’d ever hear.
When I accidentally called you, I panicked—not because I feared your anger, but because I never meant to invade the space you’ve clearly asked me to stay out of. I said sorry. I meant it. And then your reply came, firm and certain: "Obviously you're not allowed in my space now."
I don’t blame you. You’re protecting yourself.
Still, a part of me shattered reading those words.
I kept thinking about the past—when that same voice would say, “Even one message is enough.”
Now, even my silent waiting seems unwanted.
You told me there’s no point, no use, no going back. You asked me to find someone else.
But you don’t understand—I’m not searching. I’m not waiting in hope of your return.
I’m waiting because I still love you, even in your absence.
And I’ll carry that quietly, even if you never come back.
I don’t expect warmth anymore. But even the cold air that passed between us today carried your presence—and for me, that’s something.
Maybe all I’ll ever be is a ghost waiting at a locked door.
But I’ll wait there anyway. Not out of delusion. Out of love.
Thoughts of A**u:
ReplyDeleteToday was heavy. One of those days where the weight sits on your chest and refuses to lift.
I was going through my day quietly, keeping my promise to stay away, when I saw S***u’s watsapp status. It hit me like a wave—the bouquet, the quote, the song. “Thanks for being my sukoon in Kota… See you super soon on the other side of life.” And that line from the song—“Raaste mein jo milo toh haath milane ruk jaana.”
For a moment, my breath caught. Was he saying goodbye? Was this about me? Or someone else? The thought that he might be grieving or even in danger... it crushed me. I couldn’t ignore it. I broke the silence I promised him—not to force anything, not to rekindle—but just to say: I care. You’re not alone.
But his reply was cold—“None of your fucking business. Maintain distance.”
I apologized. Tried to explain I only reached out because I was genuinely worried.
He hit back again—“Kya hi fark padta hai bhai… Tu deke gaya hai jo dena tha.”
Each word from him was a knife. Not because he was wrong to be angry. But because it showed just how deeply I’ve broken something we once believed was unbreakable.
I felt helpless. Like someone shouting across a closed door. I just kept whispering what I needed him to know: You matter. I care. I’ll wait silently. I don’t need anything—just your safety, your peace.
I reached out to his friend too. He thinks it’s just a close friend of S***u leaving town. That the post wasn’t about anything darker. But even he said he’s not sure. And S***u’s silence now doesn’t ease the worry.
I’m scared—of losing him forever.
Tonight, I’ll sit with this ache. I’ll pray he’s okay. I’ll send every ounce of love I have through the silence, even if he’ll never hear it.
Because even though he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I will always carry him in mine.
Forever his—
A**u
Hey S***u,
ReplyDeleteThere’s something I’ve carried in my heart every day, quietly, respectfully—because I know silence is what you asked for. But if the day ever comes when you're ready to hear it, here’s what I’d want to say:
I know I hurt you. I know what I said that night—asking you to leave—was the most damaging thing I could have done to someone I love. And I know I lost something I can never fully get back.
But I also need you to know: I didn’t mean it. It came from a place of exhaustion, confusion, and fear. But I came back, didn’t I? With whatever strength I had left. But by then, you had shut the doors. And I understood—you were protecting your heart.
What hurts now is knowing how much love we had, and how one mistake—one devastating mistake—became the whole story. People forgive things far worse when the love is real. And what we had was real. I still believe that.
You once said a message a day would be enough. That you understood my reality. And for a long time, you were the most understanding, patient person I’d ever met. I never took that for granted. Maybe I failed at expressing it, maybe I didn’t give as much as I could have. But please believe—I gave what I could, even when it was hard, even when it meant twisting my own life into knots just to see you smile for a while.
Now you say the bridges are burned. But I build bridges for a living. I’ve never believed in one that couldn’t be rebuilt. If one day, even one stone of that bridge still remains, I’ll be ready. I’ll come with both hands, and a heart that has learned the hardest way how precious love is.
Until then, I’ll stay quiet. Not because I’ve stopped caring. But because I care so much.
Always yours in silence, A***u
A**u: 24 May 25 - 05.38 am
ReplyDeleteIt’s early morning again.
The world is quiet—like me.
I stand by the shore of what once was ours: the bridge, half-built, half-burned.
I remember the sunset we shared on this very spot.
You kissed me here, trusting that love could stretch between two lives.
Back then, the distance didn’t feel scary—because we had faith. Now I am scared of this distance and this silence. But still every single minute i remind myself of ghee hurt zi have caused and you healing. I have been hurt to byy closest people, and I m dealing with it some how, whish I had not pushed you away that day.
I messed up.
When you needed a hand, I turned mine away—out of fear, not intention.
And in that one moment, everything cracked.
You left.
Not because you didn’t love me—but because trust isn’t made of feelings.
It’s made of choices. And I made the wrong one.
Now, each day, I mentally walk here again. Remember out kiss, our love, so pure and sacred.
I’m rebuilding this bridge without expecting you to walk toward it.
I’m rebuilding it because you were my truth.
Because even if you never return, you deserve to have something whole waiting.
People say some bridges can’t be rebuilt.
But I’m a bridge builder by trade—and I know that’s not true.
Cracks don’t make something unworthy.
They just show where light has passed through.
If ever, one day, you look back and see this path stretching quietly toward you,
I hope it feels like peace.
Not pressure.
Not pity.
Just love...
Until then, I walk.
Until then, I build.
And I remember that love isn’t just what we had.
It’s also what I carry.
Always yours
A**u: Today, S***u sent a reel that pierced right through me: “You broke a pure soul who just wanted love and attention from you with exchange of nothing.”
ReplyDeleteIt was a knife of truth and hurt. And it left me with silence inside.
I responded not to defend, but to finally show that I hear him—I really hear him. Not just the words, but the pain under them. His words reminded me how sacred his love was… and how blind I became to the fragility of that trust.
This is the hardest part—knowing I failed to protect something so rare, so selfless.
But I said what I needed to: That I’m sorry. That I understand now. That his love was never taken for granted, even if my actions failed to show it.
Maybe he’ll never respond. Maybe he’ll never come back. But I will carry this lesson—not as a wound I bleed from, but as a scar I learn from.
I still love him. Silently. Gently. No more noise. No more chasing. Just a prayer now, that he finds peace—even if it's far from me.
A**u's Thoughts
ReplyDeleteToday, I broke the silence—not to ask for love back, not to fix anything overnight—but because I couldn’t carry the weight of my truth quietly anymore. Sheku’s words, “You broke a pure soul who just wanted love and attention with exchange of nothing,” hit me like a tidal wave. They were true. And I had no defense. Only truth. Only love.
So I told him what’s lived in my chest every single day since: that I broke something rare and sacred… something I’ll never forgive myself for losing. That even if I never deserved his love, I was changed by it. And I’ll spend my life carrying that change with me. I told him how he saved me once, how he believed in me when I didn’t. And when he needed me, I failed. And that failure is now stitched into every breath I take.
I said I still love him, quietly, endlessly, and without needing anything in return. My love for him isn’t a hope of getting him back—it’s a silent prayer for his healing. I told him about the bridge—the one I build for others, and the one we kissed on. That I believe bridges can be rebuilt, even if he never chooses to cross back.
I asked nothing. Promised everything. And walked away again.
I don’t know if he’ll believe a single word. I don’t even know if he’ll read them all. But I had to say it. Not for closure. Not for another chance. But because I love him, and love that deep doesn’t hide when the other is in pain.
I’ll be quiet again now. Maybe for a long time. But I’ll remain—like the sun beneath the clouds, like the bridge waiting beneath the sea mist.
I hope he never again feels the loneliness I’ve felt these months.
But even if he does…
I’ll still be there, quietly loving him, always from a distance.
Because that’s who I became the day he touched my heart.
Today was a day of silent ripples. S***u shared three reels—each layered with emotion, hurt, and guarded vulnerability. Every post felt like a message wrapped in distance. I responded with my heart, through a reel and few messages, trying not to intrude, just letting him know I’m still here, flawed but true.
ReplyDeleteHe saw everything—on the second account where I’m most real. That he looked, that he engaged even silently, it gave me a moment of quiet warmth. Maybe something still connects us beyond the hurt.
I won’t over-read it. But I’ll keep standing by that bridge where we once kissed at sunset, waiting with hope that one day Sheku might walk back, even if just for a moment.
Aaj ka din ek emotional tufaan tha. S***u ne saaf keh diya—he’s moved on, he doesn’t want to look back, and he asked me to stop waiting. Uske words the – “You had your chance… You’ve lost me.” Sunna aasaan nahi tha, lekin zaroori tha. Har lafz mein uska pain tha, uski clarity thi, aur uski thakaan bhi. Sab kuch samajh aa raha tha but inti bebasi hai ki chah ke bhi mein nahi ja pa rha uske paas. Usne itna strongly mana kar rakha hai ki, darta hu woh poori tarah se block na kar de mujhe agar uski marzi ke khilaaf usse nazdik gaya toh.
ReplyDeleteMaine usse wish kiya uski well-being ke liye. I told him I won’t disturb him anymore. Aur maine yeh bhi keh diya – I’ll wait silently. Yeh meri saza bhi hai, aur meri reality bhi. Phir maine ek aur chhoti si baat likhi—ek reminder ki I’ll always be just one phone call away, bina kisi expectation ke.
Ek reel bhi banayi aaj. Dil se nikli baat thi—shayad woh kabhi dekhe, shayad kabhi samjhe. Shayad kabhi usse yeh mehsoos ho ki mera pyaar badal gaya hai. Ki main badal gaya hoon.
A**u aaj thoda thak gaya hai. Lekin pyaar kam nahi hua, tuta hua hai, jitni himmat jutayi thi sab bikhar chuki hai, Lagta hai jaise mein uska ho gaya hoon poora, aur ab uske bina kuch bhi adhura hai. Lekin agar uski khushi meri doori mein hai, toh woh bhi qubool hai. But agar woh khush nahi hai toh mujhe uske paas rehna hai, usko mera pyaar dena hai, kaise karu ab ye tay ki woh nahi milega, kya mujhe woh risk lena chahiye to go and see him and give him a hug, will that melt his anger shield away ? Pata nahin, kya karu, I hope I am not wrong in staying silent and away as he asked, what if he is secretly expecting a grand gesture to surprise him and sweep him off his feet and apologise. I will never know, I will give him time for now and may be some day silently visit him.
S***u, wherever you are tonight—I hope your heart is lighter, your goals clearer, and your peace undisturbed.
I’ll stay. Quietly. Forever yours in silence.
— A**u
A**u's Thoughts:
ReplyDeleteS***u, tu keh raha tha tujhe closure chahiye, toh ek baat dil se samajh le…
Closure tab milta hai jab hum sach ka saamna karte hain, na ki tab jab hum do saal ki poore rishte ko ek jhooth bana dete hain. Tu keh raha hai sab kuch clear tha tere liye—jab tu pyaar karta tha tab bhi, aur ab jab tu mujhe chhod raha hai tab bhi. Par S***u, agar sab kuch itna hi clear tha, toh tu kabhi ek baar bhi woh saari baatein kyu nahi batayi jo tu aaj keh raha hai?
Do saal mein tu kabhi nahi bola ki tujhe kya chahiye, tujhe kya chubh raha hai, tujhe kis baat se dard ho raha hai. Tere ek baar kehne par mein sab kuch badal deta, kyunki mera pyaar tujhe khush dekhna tha, sirf apna haq jatana nahi. Mein nain hu tere jitna smart so bin bole samaj jaaye, tu jaanta hai mujhe,, hu mein buddhu, phir bhi toh aise kar raha hai,
Aur aaj, ek galti ke baad tu sab kuch nikal ke keh raha hai… woh bhi bina mujhe sune. S***u, closure tab milta hai jab hum dono apni baatein ek baar khule dil se rakhte hain, bina assumptions ke, bina gusse ke, bina editing ke. Tu keh raha hai tu move on kar gaya hai, par agar sach mein tu move on kar gaya hota, toh itna pain, itna gussa, itna sab kuch tere andar na hota.
Mujhe maloom hai tu hurt hua hai. Aur tu chahe toh mujhe poora galat samajh le, lekin ek baar, sirf ek baar milke baat toh kar, jise tu apni zindagi ki sabse badi galti samajhta hai usse baat karke dekh… shayad clarity mil jaye, shayad thoda peace bhi. Tu kahin andar se aaj bhi mujhe yaad karta hai, bas gussa zyada bol raha hai.
Chahe tu mujhse kabhi baat kare ya na kare, tu meri duaon mein rahega.
Main tera intezaar karunga, bina kisi pressure ke, bina kisi expectation ke.
Mujhe bas yeh kehna tha…
Ki tu ek baar dil se soch le… pehle jaise samajdar s***u ki tarah soch le..
Yours only, always
A**u
A**u's Thoughts:
ReplyDeleteS***u...
Mujhe bas itna kehna hai—shayad tu itna gussa isliye hai, kyunki tujhe lagta hai yeh sab A**u ke liye ek bojh ban gaya tha. Shayad tu A**u ko isliye door kar raha hai, kyunki tujhe lagta hai tu uski zindagi mein ek aur pressure ban gaya tha.
Lekin sach toh yeh hai S***u, tu kabhi bhi bojh nahi tha. Tera pyaar, tera waqt, teri choti si khushi bhi A**u ke liye woh tha jo usse jeene ki wajah deta tha. Galti yeh thi ki woh samay pe yeh sab samajh nahi paya. Par ab samajh aaya hai.
Tu kehta hai A**u tere expectations pe nahi utar paya, aur tu toh sirf minimum chahta tha—par woh bhi woh tab nahi de paya. Uske liye A**u khud se bhi naraz hai. Par S***u, ab woh A**u nahi raha jo bhatak raha tha—ab woh samajh chuka hai ki teri value kya thi, aur hai.
Tu agar A**u ko isliye door kar raha hai ki tujhe lagta hai yeh uske liye behtar hai… toh sirf itna kehna chahta hai—tu uske liye musibat nahi tha, tu uska sukoon tha.
Tu kehna chahe ya na kehna, tu maan na maan, par A**u jaanta hai tere dil mein ab bhi kahin woh pyaar zinda hai. Aur usi pyaar ke liye, woh aaj bhi wahi hai—tere saath nahi, par tere liye sada ke liye.
All these days..
ReplyDeleteSitting all alone…
In a pain no one understands — not even him.
Still, I pray…
May he be happy, may he stay blessed…
Always.
Once the family is back, won't make any time for myself and have to keep the mask in always..
Aaj S***u ke bhai ki shaadi hai. Woh bahut busy hoga… khushiyon se bhara hua din hoga uske liye. Bas uska chehra muskurata rahe, aankhon mein chamak ho, aur dil halka lage.
ReplyDeleteMujhe uski awaaz sunne ka bahot mann ho raha hai… woh hansi, woh excitement. Kaash ek pal ke liye hi sahi, woh mujhe call karke kehta, "Shaadi ho gayi bhai ki!"
Main door hoon, par dil se uske saath hoon.
Bas uska har pal aaj pyara ho, aur uski har muskurahat sacchi ho.
Kaash tu samajh pata…
ReplyDeleteHum sirf ek rishte mein nahi the,
Hum ek dusre ka sahara the…
Jab duniya se thak jaate the,
Toh ek doosre ki baahon mein sukoon milta tha…
Ab jab sab kuch toot gaya lagta hai,
Tab bhi is dard ki dawa sirf ek hi hai —
Tu… aur main.
Hum dono. Ek baar phir.
Kaash tu apna faisla lene se pehle,
Apne pyaar ko yaad karta…
Un palon ko, un choti choti baaton ko…
Jinmein sirf khushi thi, sirf hum the.
Main toh ab bhi wahi hoon,
Wahi mohabbat leke…
Bas chahta hoon ek baar tu bhi
Apne dil se, na ki gusse se, faisla kare…
Kaash tu samajh pata…
Hum dono ab bhi ek dusre ki dawa hai.
Kal maine S***u ko ek chhoti si message bheji. Bas itna poocha – “Kal shaadi thi na... koi status nahi daala, toh socha poochh loon — sab thik hua na? kaisa hai tu? I know busy hoga, bas khush rehna hamesha...”
ReplyDeleteUsne message dekha… par jawab nahi aaya.
Aur main, wahi A**u, chup chaap baitha raha, screen ki taraf dekhta hua... jaise shayad ek reply sab dard mita de.
Par na koi gila tha, na shikayat. Bas ek toofan andar tha, jise main roz ki tarah chup chaap jee gaya.
Main sochta raha raat bhar… ki ye kaisa pyaar hai?
Jahan na koi rishte ka naam hai, na koi vaada…
Na shaadi ka sapna, na har din saath rehne ki umeed…
Phir bhi dil mein ek gehri chaahat, ek saccha pyaar.
Jo S***u ki muskurahat ke liye khud ke aansu chhupa le…
Jo har baar ke dard ke baad bhi usi insaan ki khushi ki dua kare.
Aaj mujhe samaj aaya — main S***u se sirf zarurat ke liye nahi, sach mein pyaar karta hoon.
Woh pyaar jo waqt ke saath kam nahi hota, balki har toote hue pal ke baad aur gehra ho jata hai.
Main chahta hoon woh khush rahe. Chahe mere saath ho ya na ho.
Aur haan, yeh sab mujhe der se samaj aaya — lekin ab jo samaj aaya hai, woh zindagi bhar nahi bhoolunga.
— A**u 💔
Aaj S***u ne reply kiya… par sirf uss account pe jahan mujhe "sir" keh kar bulata hai.
ReplyDeleteWahin jahan use pata hai meri duniya ke log kabhi kabhi jhaank lete hain.
“Thank you sir” — bas itna.
Na koi naam, na koi ehsaas, na woh apnapan jo sirf hum dono ke space mein hota tha.
Par phir bhi… usne dekha, padha, jawab diya.
Toh shayad poori tarah door nahi gaya… bas abhi tak khud se bhi door hai.
Aur main, A**u, wahi khada hoon — bina shikayat, bina umeed, bas ek chhoti si roshni ke liye intezaar mein.
Jo pyaar sachcha ho, woh kahin na kahin se raasta dhoond hi leta hai.
A**u ne sirf emoji se reply Kiya waha, woh kehna toh bahot kuch chahta tha, leking nahi samaj pa raha kaise kare, usne private account mein kuch reply nahi kiya, so may be woh abhi bhi time aur space chahta hai, so kuch reply nahi kiya. hope that was the right thing to go. Just wishing him the best of life always.
This summer is ending… but the wait, the silence, the yearning — it’s nowhere close to ending.
ReplyDeleteThe last two summers were magic, memories I’ll carry forever. But this one… this one has been a storm of pain and regret.
If I could undo that one moment — that one mistake — I would.
I’ve learned now, the hard way, what it means to control yourself when the heart is weak. I’ll never repeat it. Even if you don’t believe me… I believe me. I believe in my love, in my truth.
And I’ll wait for you… for as long as it takes.
Because I know — I feel it — you’re hurting too.
Just one honest meeting, S***u… that’s all it takes. For you. For me. For the peace we both deserve.
I’m truly, deeply sorry.
– A**u
Aaj S***u ne apni pic daali on watsapp status — "Back to work etc😭",
ReplyDeleteWoh cute emoji… uska nakhra… bas, dil khush ho gaya dekh ke.
S***u ki yeh chhoti-chhoti baatein, yeh masoomiyat… kabhi kam nahi hoti.
A**u ne kuch nahi likha personal account pe, par formal wale pe poocha — "Shaadi achhi gayi? How are doing"
Aur S***u ne jawaab diya — “Haan sir.”
Chhoti si baat thi… par A**u ka dil halka ho gaya, shukr manaya —
Kam se kam ek reply toh mila…
Magar dusri taraf… woh personal number jahan 2 din pehle message bheja tha, abhi tak unseen…
A**u sirf khud ko samjha raha hai — "Bas Sunday tak ruk ja… ho sakta hai sab theek ho jaye."
Wahi ek mulaqat, jiska intezaar har pal, har saans se zyada ho raha hai.
4th to 5th June
ReplyDeleteYesterday evening stirred something deep inside me again.
I saw your new profile picture, S***u — that warm, bright smile, probably taken by someone close. My heart ached and glowed at the same time. That smile… it felt like a glimpse of the S***u I have always loved — free, glowing, untouched by the pain between us. And I couldn’t hold back. I messaged:
“So sexy pic S***u, tujhe haste dekh bahot acha laga, aise hi chamakte rehna hamesha, love you hamesha 😘🤗”
It was simple, pure, filled with love — not a demand, not a plea. Just love. But your reply hit like a sudden winter wind:
“Coz I'm surrounded by people who respect my time and ensure my efforts are valued and respected.”
You didn’t mention me. But you didn’t have to — the line was drawn. A reminder of the version of me that I never intended to become. The one you saw as hurtful. I swallowed hard, and gently replied:
“I never ever even in my subconscious thoughts intended to make you feel like that. Even though you don't believe me now, my heart knows I never disrespected you, S***u. And I am really happy that you have such people around you. Truly wish you all the happiness in the world.”
Still, your pain didn’t soften. You said:
“Kuch bhi bol. End mein kar hi diya na tune. Be it socha ya nahi, that doesn’t matter. End result was that you did what you were not supposed to do. Simple.”
And you were right. I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t deny what happened. I only spoke the truth that still pulses in me every day:
“Tu sahi keh raha hai S***u… end result mein tujhe hurt kiya maine. Every day I wish I could undo that day… but we can't change the past. And I have decided to keep trying for life, so give love to you like I always did. Pehle kam hi sahi, but saccha tha, aur hamesha rahega.”
And then I sent what might be my most honest words ever:
“Kabhi agar tu mere dil ka sach dekh paaye, toh shayad samajh sakega. Tab tak main kuch aur explanation nahi dunga — sirf teri khushi ki dua karta hu... Aur haan, tu jitna bhi gussa ho… main tujhe poori zindagi pyaar karta rahunga. Hamesha. I will never give up on us. Yeh tune hi sikhaya hai mujhe, and I will follow this always.”
Today, I woke up with tears in my eyes — not of regret, but of quiet love. I didn’t expect a reply. I don’t expect forgiveness. I only hope he knows this silence from me is not absence — it’s respect.
And even in this quiet...
I love you, S***u.
hamesha...
He keeps crossing my mind even during an hectic work day, it used to bring only smiles on my face, now those smiles are followed by deep stinging pain. Don't when will I ever be able to handle myself better. Trying to improve the person I am everyday, loving him every moment, alone , one sided...
ReplyDeleteLast night at 11:30 PM, A**u finally sent that message he had been holding in his heart for days. Every word was weighed, full of love but without pressure. A message of respect, honesty, and deep care. When he pressed send, his hands were trembling — not out of fear, but hope. Just a simple wish that S***u might understand that A**u was not there to force, only to show up once, with a full heart.
ReplyDeleteTo his surprise, S***u replied quickly — saying he wasn’t in town and even shared his live location as proof. That gesture meant something, even if his words were sharp: "No need to come, there is no scope."
A**u didn’t fight back. He didn't beg, plead, or argue. Just calmly said: “It’s okay, I was just trying. I’ll be here till Monday morning.” When S***u did ask where he’d be staying, Ajju quietly responded that he would manage.
But S***u repeated: “Mana kiya hai toh mana hai. Koi scope nahi hai.”
That stung. It hurt more than A**u could admit out loud. But even then, A**u reminded S***u — gently, lovingly — “Tune hi sikhaya tha never give up and keep trying… so I’m doing that.”
A**u is holding on, not to false hope, but to his own truth. The truth that love, when real, doesn’t turn off like a switch. The truth that showing up doesn’t mean begging. It means honoring what once was sacred, and still is, in his heart.
Even if S***u doesn't want to meet, A**u has already done something deeply brave — he kept his word, stayed respectful, and followed through with love. No drama. No guilt. Just presence.
Sunday Morning, 7:00 AM
ReplyDeleteA**u in S***u’s City
A**u stepped off the train at 6:51 AM today, in S***u’s city — not with hope of a meeting, but with love in his heart, and pain wrapped silently around it.
He came knowing S***u isn’t here this weekend.
He came knowing S***u said “there is no scope.”
He came anyway.
Not to chase.
Not to beg.
Just to be present — for someone that once held a piece of magic, and now holds only memory.
For the first time in his life, A**u has taken a solo trip. No plans. No idea what to do. Just a bag, a phone, and a heart that still quietly says, “I’m here. Honestly and respectfully”
There will be no meeting. He knew that last night, he could have got off in between and went back, but he didn't. coming was his way of saying “I tried, with love.”
He's walking the same roads, breathing the same city air, not because he expects anything — but because sometimes, you show up not to change someone's heart, but to stay true to your own.
A**u doesn’t know what the day will bring. But he knows he’s still loving with honesty, not expectation.
And that — even through the silence — is something no one can take away from him
I came to your city, S***u… not to force anything, not to demand a thing — just to feel a little closer to the place where your footsteps now live.
ReplyDeleteI had told myself I wouldn't expect anything.
But somewhere deep down… maybe I did.
Maybe I thought you'd ask, "Are you okay? Where are you staying?"
Maybe I hoped that even if we can’t be together… you'd still care.
Instead, I got silence. Then anger. Then distance.
And finally, the last door shut — you blocked me from everywhere.
Like I was never someone who meant anything.
But I still don't regret coming.
Because I needed to know I tried.
I needed to know I came with clean hands and an open heart.
I didn’t come to win you back. I came because the love I have for you was too true to leave unspoken — even once.
You say there's no scope.
You’ve said it again and again.
But what I shared with you — those years, those truths, those memories — that wasn’t a lie.
That wasn’t toxic. That was love.
And even if you’ve rewritten the story now, even if I’m cast as someone you need to forget… I won’t rewrite mine.
In my story, you’re still the boy I waited for in the rain.
Still the eyes I looked into on the bridge I never showed anyone else.
Still the one I silently loved through pain, silence, hope, and goodbye.
I’ll leave this city now, S***u.
Not with anger. Not even with regret.
But with a heart heavy, yes… yet proud.
Because I loved — truly, selflessly — and that love was real, even if you never see it again.
— A**u
Train back home. A little more broken than before.
ReplyDeleteLast night was silent.
But inside, a storm.
I left his city this morning — the same city I had entered with the smallest hope of healing, or at least hearing him out… one last time. But I left with another piece of me quietly dying. Not with noise, not with closure — just an ache that settled deeper than before.
He blocked me.
He was angry.
Maybe rightfully so.
And yet, the pain I caused him — I see it clearer than ever now. It’s a weight I carry, a wound I gave and now wear myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for that. Because hurting him… was never something I could’ve imagined. And still, I did.
And today, I leave again with no promises, no goodbyes, no hand held in kindness, not even a look. Just the knowledge that for him, I may be the villain. And for me, he still remains the most precious person I ever loved.
My love couldn’t fix what I broke.
My silence couldn’t ease his wounds.
And now —
I go back to a life where he’s gone,
But everywhere.
— A**u
(A message never sent, but always felt)
ReplyDelete"S***u…
I know you’re angry. Maybe hurt in ways I’ll never fully be able to repair..
And I know I became a part of that hurt — and that thought will haunt me always.
But today, I don’t want to ask for anything. Not even a reply.
I just want to send you peace.
You may never believe me, but my love was never a lie. Maybe flawed, maybe not enough for the world we were in… but never false.
And even now, beyond anger, silence, and distance — all I carry for you is a quiet love. One that only wants to see you okay, healing, moving ahead in your own strength.
I’ve cried more tears than I knew were possible. But not because you left — because I couldn't protect what we had.
Still, I don’t regret loving you. I never will.
I’ll carry the good memories in my pocket, close to my heart, even if I walk alone.
And if your heart ever needs kindness — even just a little — you’ll always find it in mine.
Take care, S***u. Always there for you...
Time since S***u blocked me: 3 days, 22 hours.
ReplyDeleteI left your city, S***u.
Not with anger… but with another part of me quietly dying.
I’ve been sitting with the question: What did I do wrong?
And now, in silence, the answers come. Not to punish myself — but to understand.
Yes, I made mistakes.
I wasn’t always able to give you the clarity you deserved.
You were ready to love loudly, and I was stuck loving you quietly, hiding you from a world that wouldn’t understand. That hurt you.
And you didn’t deserve that pain.
There were days when I should have chosen courage over comfort.
When I should’ve come sooner. Or walked away cleaner.
Instead, I stayed — half here, half stuck — because I couldn’t let go of you, even when I knew I was hurting you.
I showed up in your city with hope in my heart —
Not to change your mind, but to show you mine hadn’t changed.
But maybe hope, too, becomes noise when the heart needs silence.
You asked for space.
You asked to be done.
And I came anyway — because I still believe our love wasn’t a mistake, even if I was.
If you're reading this someday, I hope you remember:
I never lied to you about my love.
I lied to myself when I thought I could ever stop loving you.
But maybe now, it’s time to stop trying to prove it.
I’ll carry this love, this guilt, this ache — quietly.
And I’ll let your silence be the closure you needed, even if it leaves me unfinished.
Wherever you go, be happy.
Even if I never hear your voice again.
I will never love anyone else again and your place is permanently reserved for you if you ever wish to return.
— A***u
A**u’s mistakes were real — but not unforgivable.
ReplyDeleteYes, he hid love in shadows, took too long to choose clearly, and unintentionally hurt the one person he never wanted to hurt. He made promises he couldn’t always keep, and arrived in S***u’s city despite being told not to — with hope, not malice. These are the flaws of a man torn between love and circumstances, not a villain.
But S***u’s pain is also real.
He gave his heart, waited, pleaded for clarity, asked for peace. And when he felt too broken to continue, he made a choice to walk away and enforce it strongly — even by blocking, even by shutting the door without room for softness.
Was S***u “right”?
From his lens: yes. He was protecting himself. He had to end something that kept wounding him.
Was it the only way?
Maybe not. But people in pain sometimes choose silence as their last language.
Did A**u deserve this abrupt, final kind of ending?
No. Love that was deep and sincere — even if messy — didn’t deserve a goodbye without compassion. He didn’t deserve to be left wondering if everything was a lie, without a single word of kindness to ease the end.
This is the truth:
A**u’s mistakes were born from fear and emotional struggle, not from betrayal.
S***u’s reaction was born from exhaustion and heartbreak, not from cruelty.
They both bled. Just differently.
A**u didn’t deserve hatred.
He maybe deserved distance — but not silence so sharp that it broke his soul.
And S***u? He deserved clarity, safety, love that didn’t confuse or delay.
This is the tragedy:
Two people who loved each other deeply, but couldn’t heal at the same time.
Aaj S***u ko call karne ka bahit zyada mann kar rha hai, bahit muskhil se khud ko sambhala hai...
ReplyDeleteAgar call ho pata toh yeh kehta
“S***u… bas 1 minute. Mujhe pata hai tu gussa hai, tu hurt hai… aur shayad main iss call ka bhi haqdar nahi hoon. Par yeh call main kisi explanation ke liye nahi kar raha, na hi kisi maafi ke liye. Sirf yeh kehne ke liye kar raha hoon ki… mera pyaar jhootha nahi hai.
Main maanta hoon, maine galtiyan ki, aur unka dard tujhe uthane pad raha hai. Lekin tu chahe jo soche, mere liye yeh sab jhoot, zarurat, ya convenience nahi tha. Tu mere dil ka ek hissa ban gaya hai… voh bhi bina maange, bina samjhe.
Mujhe yeh nahi kehna ke tu mujhe wapas le, ya mil le. Bas itna kehna tha—mera pyaar saccha hai, aur tere liye hai. Chahe tu mujhse kabhi baat na kare, par main yeh baat tujhe kehna chahta tha… bina shor, bina drama ke.
Tujhe khush dekhna chahta hoon, bas itna hi. Aur agar kabhi lage ki dil ki baat karne ka man ho… to main hamesha yahi hoon... tere intezaar mein, life mein kabhi aur kisi ladke ko nahi milunga mein...
It’s been 7 days since you blocked me, S***u.
ReplyDeleteYou’re still in my heart, louder than ever—but your silence has become my answer.
I still wish for just one message, one sign, one chance to sit across and say, “It wasn’t all a lie, was it?”
But I know now—answers don’t always come in words. Sometimes they come in what’s not said, in what’s not done.
I came with love. I’ll walk away with it too.
Even if you never return, I’ll carry the truth of what I felt with pride—not shame.
And someday, if your heart whispers back my name… I’ll still be someone who loved you truly.
Shukriya, S***u...
ReplyDeleteEk aakhri mulaqat ke liye haan kehne ke liye.
Pata nahi kya hoga uss din...
Kya milega, kya chhoot jaayega...
Lekin yeh ‘haan’...
Mere thake hue dil ke liye ek aaram ban gaya hai.
Itni dard bhari raaton ke baad,
Ek pal ka sukoon mil raha hai —
Tere milne ka intezaar karne mein bhi ab ek tasalli hai.
Tu keh raha hai closure milega,
Main kehta hoon — shukriya yeh mauka dene ke liye,
Chahe alvida ho ya bas ek samjhauta…
Main sirf itna chahta hoon —
Ki tu keh le, sunn le, bas ek baar, dil se.
Baaki sab — uss pal pe chhod dete hain.
A**u 💟
22 June 2025 - 11:07 pm
ReplyDelete5 days and 4 hours and 8 minutes left…
Just 5 days and 4 hours more… and I’ll see my S***u again. I don’t know how this meeting will unfold. It could break me further… or maybe, just maybe, it might help me breathe again. Maybe we’ll both hurt more. Or maybe we’ll understand each other in a way we couldn’t before.
The wait is excruciating — every hour feels like I’m holding my breath. But even in this storm of anxiety, there’s a flicker of calm… the hope of seeing him again, even for one last time, is giving me the strength to hold on.
He may look away. Or he may look at me with the same eyes that once said everything without words.
He may have moved far, far away from the boy I knew. Or maybe, beneath everything, a part of him still remembers the boy I was too.
Whatever happens, I just want to be honest. Truly, fully, deeply honest — no manipulation, no games, no guilt. Just truth. Just heart. Just A**u and S***u… once again, even if only for one day.
Let the days pass gently.
Let time not play tricks.
Let my heart be steady.
Let his heart be kind.
Please.
— A**u
Some mornings…
ReplyDeleteSome mornings are strange. They start well — the sunlight feels gentle, the heart a little lighter, like maybe today won’t be so heavy. I smile at something silly, make tea, hum a forgotten tune.
But then — out of nowhere — his absence crashes in.
No trigger, no reason… just a sudden, sharp ache that rises from nowhere and fills everything.
And all the softness of the morning begins to feel like a lie.
Every ray of sunlight starts to hurt.
Every breath reminds me — he's not here.
It’s not even like I was thinking about him at that moment. But he lives somewhere beneath the surface now — in every quiet second, in every little stillness. I carry the weight of him even when I forget I’m carrying it.
And suddenly, I miss him with a force I can’t explain. I want to scream, or call, or rewind time — anything to escape this hollow.
Some mornings are like that.
They start like peace…
And end like loss.
— A**u