My Dearest S***u,
I’m writing this not to reach you, but to sit beside all that’s breaking inside me.
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this. I don’t know if you’ll ever want to. But still, I need to speak these words—not to change your mind, but to honour the love that changed my life.
Every day I replay the moments—when we laughed, when we sat in silence, when your tired eyes still lit up just because we were together. When you showed up after long, exhausting days only to be near me, never asking for much—just time, honesty, love. You gave those in abundance. I gave you confusion. Delay. Silence. Excuses. And yet you stayed. For so long.
I keep thinking of that evening on our bridge—unfinished, quiet, bathed in the gold of sunset. That kiss, that moment—it was sacred. We weren’t supposed to be there, yet it felt like the only place in the world where we belonged. You made that possible. You made me feel worthy of being seen, of being wanted, of being loved. I didn’t know how to carry that kind of grace. I didn’t know how to trust that someone could really choose me, my flaws and all.
I now walk through my days carrying the weight of your absence like a stone stitched into my chest. Not a moment goes by without your memory brushing against me—sometimes like a whisper, sometimes like a storm. And yet, I carry it, because it is all I have left of you.
I never intended to hurt you. The pain I caused—your heartbreak—is a wound I can never forgive myself for. I didn’t understand the depth of your love, the scale of your sacrifices, or the beauty of the soul that stood beside me day after day, giving me everything without asking for much in return.
That day—the day I broke everything—I was overwhelmed by voices telling me I was failing everyone. I believed I was unworthy of love, that I didn’t deserve you, and in my twisted thinking, I tried to spare you from myself. But in doing so, I took away something neither of us may ever get back. And for that, I am truly, endlessly sorry.
I did what cowards do. I pushed away what mattered most. I said things I can’t take back, I wish I could erase that day from our lives. I acted like I was doing you a favour by letting you go, when the truth is—I was drowning in guilt, in pressure, in shame, feeling overburdened. And instead of asking you to hold me through it, I shoved you out and locked the door.
Now I walk through my days with a hollow heart, which already has a hole in it, physically broke now emotionally as well. I look fine. I smile. I do what needs to be done—for my kids, for my family. But inside, I’m not the same. Something cracked when you left and I don’t think it will ever fully heal.
You called me selfish. You called me unworthy. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I never deserved the way you loved me. But even if you can’t believe me anymore, please know—I never intended to hurt you. I never stopped loving you. I was just too broken to know how to keep loving in the right way. I will never be able for forgive myself in this life time. I am deeply sorry for causing you so much pain, which I am solely responsible, and nothing I say can justify it ever.
I understand that you no longer want to see me, to hear from me, or to keep me in your life. I respect that. I will never force my presence upon you. But I want you to know something very important, something I should have said long ago:
Your love was the most sacred gift I ever received.
Now all I have is this silence. And your words—the sharp ones—still echo. That you’ll never come back. That I don’t deserve to. That I’ve burned it all. I accept your anger. I accept your pain. I caused it.
But I’ll never stop hoping that maybe one day you’ll remember the whole story—not just the end, but the heart of it. The good parts. The love that existed before my fears twisted it.
I won’t chase you anymore. You asked for space, and I’ll honour that. But if ever your heart softens, if ever your memories whisper something kinder—I'll still be here, quietly tending to the ashes, in case a spark finds its way back.
If someday, even faintly, if you remember the love you once felt for me, and a part of you wishes to reach back, even if I know I know I don't deserve you but still I..... I want you to know that I will be here, with all that I have and all that I’ve become. I promise to be better, to manage my emotions with care and never let my pain turn into something that drives you away again. No pressure, no expectations—just a promise from the heart that if you ever choose to return, I’ll give everything to cherish you and keep you happy in the way you always deserved.
And if ever—at any time, for any reason—you find yourself needing support, in any form, I’ll be there without question, without condition. Just say the word, and I’ll come through, quietly and fully.
And now, I’ve taken a vow—a vow to never seek love again. Not because I don’t crave it. Not because I don’t need it. But because I have finally realised what I lost, and what I was never able to give back in full. I will honour you by carrying that truth with me for the rest of my life. I vow not to share that sacred space I had with you with anyone else again. As my penance, As a tribute. To what you gave. To what I failed to return.
People tell me to heal. To move on. But how does one heal from losing a heart that beat beside yours so closely? I don’t want a new chapter. I just want to read the old ones and make peace with the ending.
You were my rarest bridge. The one I thought would never burn. And though you say it cannot be rebuilt, I will stand here on my side, waiting—not to rebuild it for myself, but to keep it alive in spirit. So you know that someone, somewhere, remembers your love, your pure heart.
This isn’t a plea for forgiveness. It is a confession. And a promise. That your love didn’t go unrecognised. It didn’t go unloved. It wasn’t for nothing. This undeserving self of me can build the greatest of bridges, but failed in holding and rebuilding the most important bridge, the love bridge that leads to you.
You changed me. And I will carry that change, quietly, for the rest of my life.
You were the greatest love of my life, S***u. And even if that love must live only in my heart now, it will never leave.
Always yours, waiting in silence.
Yours and only yours, A**u.
